The raccoon incident

Published 2025-01-23 by Zdravko Anticic

It was heard all over the block. First a loud crash. Then a huge splash. This happened in the middle of the night in a suburb of San Diego, Granite Hills.

The owner of the small villa had woken up with a jolt. He went out in the garden where he found a pickup truck with US NAVY markings in his swimming pool. It was taking on water, and slowly sunk to the bottom.

The driver laid lifeless over the steering wheel. After a quick intervention with help of his equally shocked neighbours, they had gotten the driver out of the car. Police arrived on the scene shortly afterward.

The driver – a mechanic at the US Navy – was found to be extremely drunk. It was impossible to communicate with him in any meaningful way. The strangest thing, however, was all the small scratch marks and wounds on his face.

This did not seem to be any regular accident. After sobering up in police custody, the most bizarre sequence of events ever was discovered.

The evening had started at a nearby bar. A hamburger and beer with some friends, followed by some tequila and a game of pool. So far so good, you could say. The problem started when our mechanic wanted to drive back home. No matter how hard he tried, the car would just not start. He had forgotten about the pre-installed alcohol detection system.

He had given up, and sat down on a nearby park bench. Then he heard a rustling noise in the trash can next to the bench. Drunkenly curious, he leaned over to take a look inside. In the trash can was a curious raccoon looking for a meal. Then, a brilliant idea appeared to the mechanic. Or so he thought. After a short, but intense struggle, he managed to grab the raccoon. The next step was to take it to the car.

By squeezing his stomach in the correct moment, he managed to trick the alcohol detection system, and start the car with the poor raccoon’s breath. The car was now running, and he had an unconscious raccoon in his hands, which had passed out due to lack of oxygen. Thinking nothing of it, he placed it in the passenger seat, and went on his merry way back to base.

According to the interrogation report, he was halfway there when the trouble started.

Raccoons are cute animals. But they can also be very smart. The little raccoon had recovered, and suddenly came to life in the passenger seat. And it was angry. Very angry. According to the driver, it had gone from being a cute stuffed animal, to the reincarnation of the devil himself in a fraction of a second. It had pounced on him in one swift motion, and began mauling his face and neck with extreme force.

It bit, scratched, tore, and gnawed on him like an unstoppable whirlwind. In the fight with the little devil, our mechanic had lost control of the car, driven through a fence and down a hill straight through a residential area. The journey had ended in a swimming pool. When the car landed in the water, the driver had hit the steering wheel and lost consciousness.

Raccoons are considred rats. We humans are supposed to be at the top of the food chain. In this case, however, the situation was different. The mechanic had taken a serious beating. By an animal no bigger than a house cat. The mechanic’s name will live forever. As an example of Darwin’s theory of evolution, that people who are so stupid should not procreate.

Raccoons? They are smart, fast, and can fight when necessary. That’s why I love them. If they weren’t classified as pest, I would gladly have a raccoon as a pet. Especially when they behave as heroically as this one did in San Diego on this particular evening.